end of summer

Well, it's me again. I've been away from this blog since the end of May, which in blogland is an entire eternity, so I'll understand completely if you've stopped reading. But if you're still there, I'm back. Probably not in a daily way that I was at one time, but in a weekly way.

I've realized that I need this space again. The summer has been full of ups and downs and has been consumed largely by our move to a new house. My moods have been down more than usual, and I feel like I need to write to keep myself on the up and up.

I've realized the power of words - to hurt, to heal, to make whole. And also the power of silence. There is something very healing for me to type words on a page. And if these words can give just one other person a bit of a balm to their day - even better.

And now here I am, the first day of school. Part of me is really sad about the start of the school year. It makes me wonder if we squeezed enough out of this summer. But as I look back, I realize that we did many, many things that felt summer-y and oh-so-good to me. Like:

* visiting Kawartha Dairy for some chocolate peanut butter ice cream

* going on a hike at a new spot - this summer to Eagle's Nest and Egan's Chutes near Bancroft, Ontario

* canoeing on a still lake - even better, at night during a full moon

* swimming in a northern lake - even better, at night during a full moon

* finding monarch caterpillars, watching them turn to chrysalises and releasing the butterflies (we cared for 3 this summer)

* spending time with friends and renewing old friendships

* family camp at Fraser Lake Camp

* sleeping in a tent, reading by flashlight

* fishing (didn't catch a thing, but it's the process, not the product - right?)

* making s'mores over a campfire

* spending time at cottages with family

* spending evenings chatting on our new porch (old porch, but new house to us)

* making nature crafts (it's amazing what hot glue, imagination, and googly eyes can make)

* catching frogs, minnows, toads, and crayfish

* making giant bubbles

* making fresh pesto

* eating paella on a perfect summer evening

* watching the sunset on the lake

* counting the stars

* writing in the air with sparklers

* discovering a new bakery (that sells macarons, which we hadn't had since our time in France)

* going rock collecting at this cool place that looks tacky but was a pile of fun

* eating wild raspberries

* quietly watching a deer from only 15 feet away

* jumping from a jumping tower

* floating on my back in a lake and completely forgetting about everything

* planting new things in our backyard

* lying in a hammock, watching squirrels fight and hummingbirds flit around

* reading a novel (hasn't happened in a long, long while)

* tie-dying t-shirts

* watching street performers

* riding the ferris wheel

* eating cotton candy

* building an inukshuk

* doing a belly flop

There. I feel better already. I really DID have a summer. Phew! When I look at this kids' bucket list, I love that there are many things on there that we did this summer.

And now I can enter this new day, this new school year at a brand new school for my girls, knowing that we played, we relaxed, we summered well.

What are your favourite summer memories? Or things on your must-do list in the summer?

family as mini-church

I've worked for almost a month now for MennoMedia - a publishing network for the Mennonite church in North America. My job is "curriculum project developer" - I get to help to dream up what's next in terms of resources for faith formation for our children and youth. And I'm excited about it. I've been doing a lot of reading lately about faith formation, and a couple of things have struck me:

* families are the spaces/people where faith is most often formed and nurtured. Homes have altars where the family worships - sometimes the kitchen table, sometimes the TV. Parents are spiritual guides or pastors, presiding over the spiritual input our children receive. Praying for and with them, spiritually guiding and nurturing them. Pointing out God-moments in their lives. Providing spaces in our home for calm, quiet, reflection, prayer. Taking responsibility for this nurture, and not leaving it up to a program that meets for one hour on a Sunday.

*children's faith doesn't necessarily need to be formed as much as protected. They already have faith, or a relationship with God - possibly even more profound than my own that's been whittled away by years of cynicism, skepticism and materialism.

I may want my child to learn where middle C is on the piano, or learn to catch a baseball in a glove, or learn the various strings on her violin. But do I spend as much, or more, time teaching them ways of praying, or the stories that have shaped me in my faith?

Here's a little secret: NOPE. I haven't. Some days I even feel too tired to pray before bedtime, which I think that everyone except me does with their kids at night.

I want prayer to shape and change me, and I want it to shape my kids too. It seems there is so much noise in our world - so many messages coming at us each day - and I want my kids to have a quiet, still place that they can return to that gives them sustenance for the day. To me, prayer is about accepting my limits, and opening myself to a source and grace that is bigger than me. Here's a quote from Luther I read this week: "I have so much business I cannot get on without spending three hours daily in prayer."

THREE HOURS!?

I may disappoint myself if I strive for that goal at this point, but this is how I'll work at being a spiritual guide/priest to my family this week:

1. eat supper together. Talk. Pray.
2. pray with and for them at bedtime.
3. Show my love by listening to what they're saying to me. Turn off the list-maker/stress-maker in my head and listen.

In summary:

Eat. Pray. Love.

When your children ask their parents in time to come, "What do these stones mean?" then you shall let your children know, "Israel crossed over the Jordan here on dry ground." - Joshua 4:21-22

not so super me

Has it been almost a month since I last wrote? Yikes. Well, it's all part of my campaign to be not so super. This is a very fun campaign, and it goes along with my "expect less" motto. It leads to a lot less guilt and a lot more appointment (opposite of disappointment). :)

It involves letting things go, or at least slide, for awhile. Letting balls drop. Not picking them up (someone else can). Stop trying to prove myself to myself. Sitting in my pajamas for the day. Being terribly unproductive. Releasing my self-appointed role as emotional barometer of the family. Enabling responsibility, not helplessness, in my children. Breathing. Praying. Smiling.

Along with being not so super, I'm trying to be not so jealous of my husband who's spending 3.5 weeks in Israel/Palestine right now. But the unexpected gift that I always find when I single-parent is that I lower my expectations for what will get accomplished around here. And I spend more time just being present. Presence. Stillness. Now why can't I just be like that when we're all on the same national soil? Silly.

I have no problem expecting more of myself - I do this all the time. More mom, more wife, more blogging, more working, more church/volunteer work. If I have a 3/4 time job (which I just started 2 weeks ago), then I'll work 5/4.

What is much harder for me is the less.

ready, set, sold!

Long time, no write. This past month has been an adventure in real estate - one I've never had before.

We had a wonderful agent who included a home stager to give us advice on how to make the most of our house and stage it well. Basically, she advised clearing out about 1/2 of our stuff, painting, new counter tops in the kitchen, and buying some stuff to spruce up the bedrooms and bathrooms. I was skeptical as I went through the house with her. It just seemed like an excuse to spend a lot of money - fluffy white bath towels here, bed in a bag there, white waffle-weave shower curtain here, seagrass baskets there, edit and organize everywhere, lots of floor space everywhere. But we took her seriously and did many of the things she suggested. And I'm a believer. The house sold for above asking price in lickety-split time. We're relieved, and it's nice now to live in our new and improved house for a few more months.

I've learned a lot, so I'll pass some of those learnings on in case you ever find yourself in the house selling world.

1. A fast trip from store to store can quickly add at least $100 to your shopping bill in the form of a nasty speeding ticket.

2. Shabby chic, in a home decor sense, only goes so far. There is a fine line between shabby chic and just plain old shabby junky. We have a bit of both, and had to decide what stayed and what left for staging our house.

3. When you are packing up a house in Ontario, Canada, you will make frequent trips to the liquor store. For quality, free boxes. Move directly to the pile of boxes. Do not linger.

4. Clearing out half of your house to get it ready to show gave me a physical aversion to buying more stuff. I did a lot of shopping in the past month - probably more shopping than I've ever done in any other month in my life - and I developed this distinct physical reaction in my gut when I'd think about bringing home anything that wasn't going to help us in the staging and selling of our home. My stomach felt a bit woozy. I hope I can keep that feeling alive in our new home so that I don't welcome the clutter in there. Wishful thinking? Hope not.

5. There are different wardrobes expected for different stores. The difference between the consumers' wardrobes at Home Sense and Home Depot are worlds apart. Usually I would visit both stores on the same outing - a bath towel here, a blind there. I was casual enough to look like I could be a DIY-er at Home Depot, except I wore flip-flops instead of work boots, so the sales people usually knew I needed help. At Home Sense, my funky jacket could pass, but the flip flops should have been traded for some cute little high heels that I don't own. Plus I should have worn make up and cared about my hair. Then I would have looked like I love to shop to decorate my home.

6. Find friends or family who will let you store stuff in their basements or garages. It takes a village to stage a house. We have spread our stuff out to 5 wonderful friends and family for the next few months, and we're grateful.

7. Don't clean a toilet with a screwdriver. It doesn't work.

top 5 Easter rituals

There are many rituals we've adopted over the years to celebrate Easter. Here are the top 5:

* Easter egg dying (no-brainer). When we were in France 2 years ago, I couldn't find white eggs, but I really loved the tones of the dyed brown eggs. 

* Easter baskets. I'm a bit nervous this year because my 5 year old has decided to pray to the Easter bunny to ask for something in particular for Easter. She devised this plan to see whether there really is an Easter bunny, or whether it's the parents. I have no idea what she has prayed for, so this Easter might be her revelation day. We'll see. If she prayed for a Kinder surprise chocolate egg, I've got that covered. 

* making egg cheese. This is from my Swiss Mennonite tradition. Some people call it "Easter cheese." It's mostly just a carrier for fresh maple syrup - it's a little bland all by itself. But I love it. My grandma used to make it, and she taught me how. Now I'm the family egg cheese maker. Watching the curds magically separate from the whey is mesmerizing. I look forward to making it every year.

* celebrating a seder meal. We've been having this meal on the Thursday before Good Friday as a way of remembering what Jesus was experiencing with his disciples. For us, it gives more meaning to the Easter story of death and resurrection. Our daughters look forward to it, and ask each year who we're celebrating with this year. Each year it's been different and special - a celebration of our hope and freedom, and a reminder that not all in our world are free. I love how the kids ask questions to frame the storytelling around the table, and the symbolism in the foods. 

* baking paska bread. This comes from my husband's Russian Mennonite background. The recipe makes a huge batch of bread, and it's fun to make little loaves and share them around with teachers, family, friends. It's a long process with three risings of the dough. I always end up singing "We Rise Again" by the Rankin Family while I'm making paska. And the three risings remind me of 3 sad days. And the yeast makes me think that many miracles are possible, even a resurrection. The smell of the bread dough rising and that yeast doing its silent work makes me put aside my skeptical reasoning brain for yet another Easter, ready to embrace what I cannot imagine. Ready to trust in a magic that I cannot see. Hopeful that a resurrection is possible once again.

the little loaves rising

mixing the dough

kneading

icing and sprinkles

What are your rituals at this time of year?

hairy legs

My eldest daughter, in grade 3, came home from school the other day with this story. The girl who sits next to her looked at her and said, "Your legs are really hairy. You look like a man. Also, you don't brush your hair well enough."

Then my daughter asked me if she could shave her legs. My heart sank.

Grade 3? Already hairy leg-conscious?

I gave her a firm answer: no way.

"But YOU do, Mom!"

"Yes, but I'm older."

Full disclosure: I don't shave my legs for most of the winter. I let the hair grow freely. Except if I go swimming. But for most of the spring and summer, I have to allow time for leg shaving in my regimen. I'm really low maintenance (I could probably be accused of not brushing my hair enough), so sometimes this summer routine nearly does me in. I did NOT want my 8 year old daughter to start on this path. She needs a lot of encouragement just to have a shower. I can't imagine adding shaving.

Why do kids say such stupid things sometimes? Several months ago, a different friend told her that her new haircut looked like a boy's. "I'd never get my hair cut like THAT," she said. "You look like a boy. It looks weird."

The morning after the hairy leg incident, although it was still a balmy 25 degrees Celsius outside, said daughter wanted to wear full-leg leggings with a skirt overtop.

"Aren't you going to be hot?" I asked, knowing the reason for this wardrobe choice.

"I'll be fine," she said.

I dropped her off at school. She hopped out of the car and I rolled down my window.

"Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your body. You're beautiful. You remember that. You're beautiful."

She shyly smiled, then turned and skipped toward the school.

These are the things I wish I could take away from her - others' expectations of the way she looks, what she becomes, what she wears, and so on. I want her to know her beauty - hairy legs and all.

cleansing

This week I decided to start a 30 day cleanse. I started on March 19th, so I'll be done on April 19th. I'm trying to watch what I eat, and I'm taking these herbal pills that help to move things like toxins out of my body. I was a bit wary, especially when I read "headaches, nausea, and diarrhea are quite common as the body gets rid of toxins." Oh great. But I'm committed. But there have been times, already, when I just want to pop something crappy into my mouth, and I long for April 19th to come soon.

We bought a house! A house that we thought was lost to another offer came back to us. We mourned the loss of the house for a good week, and I found it sad to mentally take all of our furniture (which I had placed so well) out of that house in my mind. But after a 2 week roller coaster ride of emotions we got it! I found out at the Winnipeg airport. We're very excited, and we move this July. And it has a hearth!

The fireplace reminds me of my childhood growing up in a gravel pit. I'm not going to change that last sentence, but I'll just clarify: I did not exactly grow up in a gravel pit, but there was one in my back yard, along with swamps and ponds and a maple bush with a sugar shack and fields and large gardens. My rock collection was quite extensive.

So I'm cleansing the house. Packing, sorting, getting rid of stuff. Labeling boxes, imagining our stuff in a new home. Imagining us in a new neighbourhood.

We're aiming to have our house on the market by - guess when - April 19th. I didn't plan for these cleanses to coincide like this, but I think it's really interesting that they did. And in this part of my life, I do not want April 19th to come too soon. We have a lot to do to get the house ready. But while I'm cleansing my insides, I'm cleansing the insides of our house, and hopefully doing some brain de-cluttering as well. I am mindful of what goes in, and although there may be some discomfort, unneeded stuff will come out. I hope.

give it up

Lent is typically a time for giving up or sacrificing something. I didn't grow up with this practice, but it's one that's intrigued me. A 40 day discipline. But I've never really challenged myself to do it. What do I give up? Coffee? I don't drink it. Chocolate? That could be a bit hard, but not really. Beer? Not hard. Sugar? Too hard. What do I give up?

I always wondered how giving up sugar or beer or some other treat leads to a spiritual exercise of any kind.   The two didn't really connect in my mind. I admired others for their fasts, but just couldn't decide on or commit to my own. 

This year I noticed a friend was participating in this 10 day fast. I'm equally intrigued by ideas like this - to discipline your body and your eating for a period of time. I was almost ready to commit, but I knew I'd be traveling for 3 days of meetings right smack in the middle of this fast, and I knew I couldn't do it. Maybe some other time. But this is what I've said many times. Like with that 12 day herbal de-tox box of goodies that I bought about 12 years ago. It's long past its expiry date. I wanted to do it, really, I did, but the moment was never quite right for me to start it. Because life just keeps happening.

I've been pondering what to give up this Lent. I've half-heartedly given up eating meat. I say "half-heartedly" because I eat meat at about half of the meals that I usually would. Not very committed. 

This Lent, I want to give up:

* doing it all. I can let things go, ask others for help, and not expect too much of myself. My mind gets bogged down by busyness of my own making sometimes. Give it up. Let it go.

* slothfulness. I can go to bed earlier, get up earlier, and exercise. I know that I need to do this for my physical, spiritual and mental health. I know I'm not a total sloth: I work hard. But I don't sleep enough. And it catches up with me - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Give it up. Get sleeping and get going.

Those seem like opposite goals, I know. Like slowing down and speeding up. But they seem to be connected in my mind. And I also see the connection between these physical actions and my spiritual health. 

It strikes me that some traditional practices during Lent are associated with justice and wholistic peace: physical fasts (peace with self/body), prayer (peace with God), and giving (peace with others). Some people take away vices (like coffee) and add something that will bring them closer to God. 

What is it for you? What would you give away? What would you add? 

What would bring you closer to God?