me, the imposter

I haven't written for awhile. And thank you to those of you who have asked if I'm ok. Yep - I'm fine. Just a crapload of writing deadlines in the last week. Deadlines, presentations, all good things but converging at once.

That's part of the story. But not the whole thing.

Here's the other part: I really questioned if I have anything of value to say. 

And here's why: I read a really good article online, written by a mother of 3 young children - a woman who blogs every day. AND IT WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD. Like I mean really good.

So good that it made me really question what the heck I think I'm doing. Why am I blogging? What's the purpose? How come I only have 2 young kids and can't write a kick-butt post like that one?

I have these 2 creatures on my shoulders. Are they on your shoulders too?

That gremlin on one side whispering slyly,

"Who do you think you are? 

You're not good enough.

SO MANY PEOPLE are BETTER than YOU."

And that encouraging coach on the other side shouting,

"You can do it!

Try something new!

Stretch yourself!

Believe!"

But even though that coach is shouting right in my ear, I let that whisper overwhelm me sometimes. Like last week. That gremlin won. He said,

"You don't have one single unique thought that's worth writing or blogging about. There are so many writers who are so much better than you. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???"

My husband and I led a workshop on Saturday. As we were driving there in the morning, I said to him, "Do you ever feel like you're an imposter? Like you really don't know what the heck you're talking about? And someone's going to find out? What do we have to say to all of these people who have so much more wisdom than we do? WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE??"

I compare myself to others (like this mom blogger) and I get jealous and feel unworthy. I feel like a fraud. And I hate those yucky things inside of me: comparing myself to others, judging myself, and feeling jealous. But they're definitely there. There are some blogs I don't even look at anymore because they make me feel jealous and inadequate.

And I know this Marianne Williamson quote. I've had it posted in my room for years.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I know this. Of course I do. But some weeks I have big doubts. And I believe the line I tell myself that at best, I'll be mediocre. That I'm just an imposter.